So, now I’m pissed…

Being pissed actually is a great driving force in helping you decide that you are tired of not doing anything with your life….well maybe not necessarily nothing, but according to you, not where you necessarily want to be.  Take me for example, I am at that point where being pissed has actually motivated me to take control and re-focus myself on the things that I came to NY to do.  I didn’t come here to work at a retail store and become so consumed with making money that I never even sat aside the time to audition, write, sit down and read a book.  I mean the years went by as if they were nothing, summers blended into cold winters, trees died and sprang to life in what seemed like a matter of seconds, birthdays seemed to be looming around every corner.  It’s amazing how consumed you can become in a job and what’s funny is that it can happen in a job that you don’t even necessarily like! You just get all caught up in the corporate bullsh*t or become completely concerned with “to-do lists” that are filled with petty and mindless reminders of what needs to be done that day.

To do:

1) Clean Stockroom

2) Call Customers concerning  their product requests and new/sale items

3) Visual Update by EOD today

4) Transfers/Markdowns

5) Call IT for bugs

What in the hell does this have to do with anything that I want to do with my life? Doesn’t it seem like a complete waste of time?  I mean, really, if you think about it, I waste almost 9 hrs of my life 5 days a week to stand around in a store and complete lists. (Reflect) I don’t even need to further comment on this for you.  I think you understand where I am coming from.  But as my friend, we’ll call her India, would tell me, you have to think of work as the thing that allows you to do the things you really want.  The crap we do for a damn paycheck…I swear.

But, getting back to what I was saying before.  I have gotten pissed enough to where I have finally decided to actively make the effort to change my life.  I recently went on two auditions for two theatre companies, the “Michael Chekhov Theatre Company” and the “Actor’s Project NYC.”  Both of which are amazing companies and who would equally benefit the actor.  A brief story needed to understand the end result and my shock:

So, I prepare a monologue, naturally; rehearse in front of my animals, Shelly, or as I like to call her Shay-Shay, and Bodie, whom I lovingly refer to as my Bo-Bo or my Baby Bo (you’ll be hearing about these devilish animals).  And somehow, during this rehearsing of mine, I manage to piss off my cat and for some reason she flips out and runs full force towards my leg, flips upside down and digs her ten claws, yes her front ones, deep into my calf muscle.  And this cat, she means business when she attacks.  I mean, I have referred to her as both the Devil himself and the Anti-Christ, if that gives you a better understanding.  She grabbed on and didn’t let go.  It was like my calf was a juicy piece of fish and Shelly was damned if she was going to let go of it! My only reaction was to take my script and hit her as hard as I could to get her off! Can I just say that I love my life?  And what was my gift after this attack, which apparently I provoked?  Ten claw marks running down my calf.  And not just little baby claw marks, no, knee to ankle claw marks.  You should of seen my boyfriend’s face when I showed him.  Even he, who has been attacked many times, was surprised.  So, now I’m bleeding and I’m a couple of hours away from my auditions.  Awesome.  Bo-Bo has now commenced to clean-up duty.  That is, he will lick your wounds until they are clean.  It’s cute at first, yes, comforting, makes you feel loved.  That is until he has licked you to the point where your skin is so raw that it is red and you are actually on the verge of bruising.  I guess it’s the thought that counts in this situation.

So, anywho, I start to get ready for my auditions and what happens.  O yes ladies, do I need to say it?  Really, do you want me too? I don’t think I can because I think the men might get a little grossed out! Yes! My little monthly gift visits me! Grossed out? Ha! The joys of being a woman.  Now I’m cramping and I mean don’t want to walk, don’t want to talk, don’t want to even have my eyes open cramping.  And let me also tell you that not only am I cramping, but I am actually physically ill, can’t move from the toilet, and oh yeah, I still have two auditions that I have to go to in a matter of hours. And if we haven’t already forgotten, I’m cut and bleeding, and yes, my dog is still viciously liking my wounds.  I think I’m bruising. So, somehow I manage to get ready among all of this madness and manage to get outside after almost falling down the stairs.  I feel as if I can’t even walk to the train station because I’m so nausea and shaky and I decide just to get in a cab.  A waste of money I know, but trust me, it was a miracle that I even made it to the corner of my block without having to run to the trash can! Attractive, I know. So, I’m in the cab and I safely make it to the audition without having a disaster.  And usually at an audition for a play or company, you prepare a one-minute monologue, usually comedic, you go in front of the casting director, perform, and then leave.  Next.  So, this is what I’m thinking is going to happen. Then, come to find out, everyone who was invited to this audition had to go in and do their monologues as a group.  O yeah, have I mentioned that I suck at monologues? I know, it’s harsh, but trust me, I suck.  It’s like tests. I was never good at them.  I’m great in class and with homework, but never with test. So, I’m shaking, have a fever, dizzy as all hell, dehydrated, cut and bleeding and am forced to do a monologue in front of people I don’t know.  The latter should not be a problem.  I have been trained to consider this a luxury.  I have an audience, I should consider this an advantage and perform the hell out of my monologue, which by the way I only learned the night before. I’m bad, I know.  The first girl goes up, no good. I don’t even know what in the hell she’s saying.  Then another and then me.  I’m totally confident.  This is an easy monologue. I’m going to nail it. (Pause) I forget the whole thing. I completely blank! I mean I don’t even know what I’m saying.  I’m totally nervous.  I can’t believe it! How am I nervous!? I’ve done this hundreds of times!  I mean, not this monologue, but others! Even plays and I’ve been fine! I don’t even know where to focus my eyes! I end up staring at some guy that I probably made completely uncomfortable!  And somehow I managed to skip around within the passages I had learned and piece together what bits of it I could to make it a comprehensible monologue.  Needless to say, I was completely embarressed and I can only imagine what those people I was in the room with must have been thinking about me. “God, she sucks!” and, “How does she call herself an actor?” It makes my skin crawl.  It was easy for me to assume that I wasn’t going to get that audition.

The next one wasn’t any better.  I don’t think you need to be reminded of my state of mind going into this. I was completely mortified by this point.  Thankfully, I would be with a whole new batch of people. Wrong.  Half of the people that attended the first one were there with me. Great, now I get to look at them and know that they’re probably wondering what the hell I’m doing there. At least this time went in to audition one by one.  But, it felt like forever before I went in. Everyone was trying to strike up friendly conversation, but needless to say, I wasn’t in the mood. I felt like the pits and it was so hot in the theatre that I thought that there might actually be a good chance I was going to pass out before I even got to audition! Let me just add for good favor that I never would wear this emotion on my face.  There could be a hurricane inside of you and you still have to keep a straight, pleasant face. So, it’s my turn, I go in, and I do better, but I still manage to fuddle up my lines and once again, end up saying things that weren’t even written!  But, at least I wasn’t as nervous in this one and I knew what I was saying!  I had a better chance at actually getting accepted with this one.  It was a 50/50 shot. Lets just say it was a good thing that I knew the artistic director!

So I leave, get home, chat with my boyfriend about my auditions and tell him that there was no way that I got either.  I had made up my mind that I had done so bad that it would be a miracle if I made it into either.  I told my mom that I looked at the auditions as a warm up because that was the only way that I could think about them and not want to cry.  Honestly. I can’t keep thinking of auditions like this.  Eventually, I’m going to have to look at them as a business meeting, not a way to practice my skills.  So, like everyday, I sit down  to check my e-mail.  Mind you this is about and hour and a half after my second audition.  I go to, type in my login info and low and behold, an email from the MCTC.  A denial, I think. That could be the only reason why I am getting an answer so quick. It usually takes a couple of days.  I click on it.  First words. Congratulations! You have been accepted into the MCTC! And then a bunch of other stuff that I really didn’t pay attention to because I was so excited!  I couldn’t believe it! After everything that had happened that day I had actually pulled through somehow and got into a theatre company! Then, what made it even better was the next day I got another email from Actor’s Project telling me I had also been accepted into their company!!! Unbelievable! So, you see, being pissed off can be an advantage.

But, now, the problems begin…


About Grlfashionista

This blog is about my life in the city. It's about the everyday, the mundane, but then also my dreams and struggles. Hopefully, my own experiences not only entertain you, but also help you. Enjoy! View all posts by Grlfashionista

One response to “So, now I’m pissed…

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